


In Which Tony Stark is Jealous of Robert Downey Jr. Because Steve Rogers has an ill-advised Crush

by mybrotherharry



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Downey Jr makes a brief cameo, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gen or Pre-Slash, Humor, I tried?, M/M, Pining, RPF (Sorta), Romance, Spoilers for Robert Downey Jr's filmography, That is a weird tag, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, oh so much pining, what am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 06:25:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10457454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybrotherharry/pseuds/mybrotherharry
Summary: .... this can only end well. Right?(What it says on the tin.)Robert Downey Jr. is an actor in this universe of the Avengers. Steve is, understandably, smitten.





	

**Author's Note:**

> No animals, feelings or Downeys were injured in the writing of this fic. I do not own any of them. (But if given a chance, I'd love a Robert Downey. Just sayin.)
> 
> Not to be taken seriously. At all. This is crack. 
> 
> Other disclaimers: There is a brief discussion of addiction and rehabilitation, without any judgement or negativity. The author is not making any comments/statements regarding the personal lives of real people. None of my business. I have tried to be as respectful as possible. (As respectful as possible for Steve to be, which is a lot.)
> 
> This fic now has translations y'all! Count em! The amazing [AshuraXuan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/AshuraXuan/pseuds/AshuraXuan) has translated this story into Chinese, which you can read [here on AO3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10533522) or [ or here on Lofter ](http://myonlyfriendisnamedwilson.lofter.com/post/1ce0920c_efe7028). She is really amazing, I am drowning in gratitude.

It starts because Natasha wants Steve to laugh.

He's spent every Friday night watching movies to catch up on the history and culture he's missed. Between Bambi, Brokeback Mountain and Schindler's List, he's been walking around with the saddest hangdog expression on his face.

Natasha, with the well-meaning spirit of a caring friend, had suggested [Chaplin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaplin_\(film\)).

Tony does not understand how that movie is happy or funny, it seems heart-breakingly poignant to him, but - anyway, it starts because Steve watches Chaplin and develops a crush on Robert Downey Jr.

Things spiral out of control from there.

*

"You've done drugs, haven't you?"

Tony spits out his mouthful of hot coffee all over the kitchen island.

"Wh - wh - umm - what?"

Steve looks at him, arms crossed over his chest. "Drugs. Narcotics? Cocaine?"

The impulse to snap 'none of your business' is at the tip of his tongue, but somewhere along the way, Tony's figured out that Steve is not judgemental, only curious.

"Umm, sure," he says. "But I never had a drug problem. Just genuine freshman year daring."

"I thought you were - I am sorry, please tell me if this is none of my business, but I thought you were in rehab?"

That sort of stings, and he feels his face flush in embarassment.

Usually, he doesn't give a damn what people, the media or the board of directors think about his past; he is proud of how difficult it was to pull himself out of that hole and to build a life. But.

But when Captain America asks you about the ways in which you screwed up, it makes you pause.

"Erm," he stutters. Breathes and starts again. "I was in rehab for alcoholism."

There. He's said the words.

Something very soft takes over Steve's expression, and he looks away, thoughts distant.

"That's why you don't drink at events," Steve points out. It's not a question. He's almost talking to himself. "I think it's admirable - being able to fight your addiction like that."

Tony's head is spinning, because what.

"What? What's this about, Cap?"

"Robert Downey Jr."

Now, Tony is completely lost.

"What about him?"

"He went to jail for drugs. Then rehab. Look at how he is today. Just incredible. So inspiring."

"Ummm. Okay?"

"I just think," Steve smiles to himself. "He is very - nice."

Tony ignores the pangs of longing tugging at his heartstrings.

"Cap," he laughs, even as he suppresses the urge to put the actor's face on a bull's eye and throw darts at it. "Have you got a crush?"

"No!" Steve is bright red. "No. I mean, not that he isn't very dashing -"

 _ **Dashing**_. Oh, this is an embarrassment of riches.

Tony grins wide.

" - he is very interesting - movies - so many movies, good with kids -"

Steve continues to stutter his way through a mini-bio of Downey when Clint, Nat and Bruce walk into the kitchen.

"Did you break him, Stark?" Clint asks, shrugging a shoulder at Steve and opening the fridge.

"Steve has a crush on Robert Downey Jr."

Clint looks like Christmas came early.

"Of course he does," Clint laughs. "The man looks exactly like - ow Natasha! Ow! What was that for?"

"Exactly like who?" Tony asks, and Steve falls silent looking between the pair of them.

"You cannot be serious," Bruce says. "You don't see it?"

"Right," Natasha throws both of them significant looks. "We're gonna go. Steve, have you seen [Ally McBeal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ally_McBeal)? It's on Netflix."

"Ally what?"

"TV Show. Downey did a season on it. [Won a Golden Globe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cWBJP_0HiU)."

"He did television?" Steve asks, grinning. "I am gonna go to the rec room. Jarvis?"

"Queueing."

"I will get the popcorn, Cap."

*  
Clint, because he is a special kind of asshole, tells Steve about the [Sherlock Holmes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlock_Holmes_\(2009_film\)) movies.

Bruce unwittingly makes an innocent observation that Downey is too short of play Sherlock Holmes. Steve nearly bites his head off, coming close to causing a Hulking out before Barton distracts them both with the Game of Shadows.

Steve spends the next week watching every Holmes movie in existence and drawing up comparisons between the various leads.

Tony wants to stick his head in a barrel and not come out until he can get over this stupid crush. He wants to believe that he won't turn into a competitive, jealous asshole over who Steve likes best, but that's only because, by all accounts, Robert Downey Jr. is winning.

Tony kinda sort of wants to punch him in his perfect little teeth.

*  
At one in the morning, Tony finds Steve sobbing into a pillow in the living room, the light of the television throwing patterns on his face.

On the screen, [Attorney Larry Paul](http://www.dandychick.com/rdjfilmguide/institute/ally.php) is telling Ally Mcbeal, "when you do have a child, you will be stunned by the capacity you have to love somebody."

Tony wants to scream, but because he is a rational, mature adult, he sits down next to Steve and asks him what's wrong.

"They're perfect for each other."

"Who?"

"Robert and Ally."

It takes Tony's brain a moment to place 'Robert'.

"He is Robert now?"

"Hm-hmm."

"Steve," he tries not to laugh. "This is getting ridiculous."

"He is a terrific actor."

"I am sure."

"Ally deserves to be with him."

"Yes."

"He got fired off the show for doing drugs."

"That's..unfortunate."

"They were going to get married."

"I am sure the writers did their best."

Steve makes an incoherent sound of rage, muffled by the pillows.

"I am going to go away now."

More rage.

Alright then. Tony makes a careful, tactical retreat.

*

Tony finds Steve an autographed DVD of [Less than Zero](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Less_Than_Zero_\(film\)) because he is a well-adjusted, mature adult of the team and not at all a jealous, green monster needing Steve's attentions.

Of course, he doesn't anticipate Steve's genuine childlike excitement about the gift and gets roped into watching the movie with him all afternoon. Twice.

If Steve cuddles up beside Tony during the sad, moving scenes as Julian Wells' life spirals out of control on the screen, well, it doesn't mean anything.

Nope. Nothing at all.

*

They watch [Gothika ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gothika)together.

Steve is a supersoldier who fought actual Nazis in World War II. He has no excuse for dragging Tony under a blanket on the couch and holding on to his arm during the dark scenes.

But Tony lets him, because it's nice.

*

Bruce buys Steve [the Futurist](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Futurist_\(Robert_Downey_Jr._album\)) album for Christmas.

By February, every single one of the Avengers is sick of it.

*

Tony begs, borrows and steals favors to make it happen, but in the end, he gets Downey Jr to visit the Avengers Tower for a charity fundraiser.

Because he is a mature, rational adult, he spends the evening carefully avoiding running into the man. He watches from behind a group of guests as Pepper orchestrates the meeting between Steve and Robert.

Even from a distance, the shy flush on Steve's face is obvious.

Tony sighs, rubs his hands together to resist grabbing a drink, and tells his inner jealous demon that everything was going to be alright.

It sounds pathetic even to him.

*  
The best thing about Clint is that when you want to drown your sorrows in alcohol but can't, he will do it for you.

That's how the pair of them end up sitting in a janitor's closet beside the Tower's ballroom, where the event is proceeding in full swing. Clint is making his way through a second bottle of Vodka, and Tony is laid out on the floor beside him, hugging a mop.

"The thing is," Clint is slurring. "The thing issss the thingggg Stark - "

"Um-hmm," Tony agrees wisely. "It's the thing."

"The thing is both of you are so sttuuupid."

"I am not stupid," Tony sniffles. "I am a genius."

"So stuupid," Clint says ignoring Tony. "Steve only like him coz he looks like you."

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Does not."

"Does too."

Because they're both rational, mature adults, the conversation continues in this fashion for the next five minutes until Natasha finds them both.

"What's going on here? Stark, you have guests."

"Nat," Clint says trying to take the mop away from Tony. "Tell Toneee that he looks like Toneee."

"You're not making sense."

"He." Clint points a finger at the closet door, at presumably the people outside. "Looks like Him." He points the finger now at Tony.

"Stupid." Tony says from the floor, holding on to his mop because its the only thing in the world that loves him.

"Yes, you are very stupid. Downey looks like you. Or I should say, you look like him."

"Do not."

Natasha does not say, "Do too." because she is super fun like that.

"The both of you look exacly alike. He's going to play you in the Avengers movie."

"There's an Avengers movie?" Tony and Clint ask at the same time.

Natasha only raises an eyebrow in response.

"Steve likes you," she pulls Tony up to his feet, her grip firm on his bicep. "Steve has a hilarious, hopeless crush on you. But he thinks you are unattainable, because like I have previously observed, stupid. Both of you are stupid."

"But he likes Sir Inspiring Inspire-a-lot out there."

"They had a two minute conversation. Steve spent two minutes talking to him, and ten minutes moping in the corner while Downey spoke to Mel Gibson about karaoke machines."

"Really?"

"Really really," Natasha pinches him in the arm. Hard.

"OW! Ow ow ow ow! What is the matter with you?!!!"

"I didn't say anything before," she says in her serious voice, "because the pair of you are hilarious to watch. But it crossed funny straight into sad territory about three movies ago. Will you please go put the big dope out of his misery?"

"I should, shouldn't I? Unless this is all an elaborate joke?"

"Stark," she laughs. "Don't flatter yourself. I am not that invested in making your life miserable."

"Coulda fooled me - ow! ow! ow! Stop it! I am going. I am going. Going."

"Good luck, Stark! Go get your man."

  
*

**1 Year Later**

The Avengers are in the rec room, spread out over various soft surfaces, sound asleep or getting there.

On the giant flat screen, the credits are rolling to the new Avengers movie.

Tony shifts in Steve's arms, pulling the blanket tighter over both of them.

"Hmmm," he purrs contentedly into Steve's chest, as the fingers on large hand come up to play with his hair. "Did you like it? The movie?"

"It was alright," Steve whispers quietly.

"Psssssht," Tony scoffs. "It was more than alright. Chris Evans is hot."

Steve growls at him possessively, before leaning forward to bite down on Tony's neck.

Yup. So hot.

Tony groans, but lifts his head up to look seriously at Steve's expression.

"What do you know?" he says teasingly. "You didn't even look at any of them. You only had eyes for Downey."

"Robert's great," Steve laughs into his Tony's hair. "But I don't need him anymore."

"Why?"

"I've got the real thing."

Tony smiles, and something resembling soft affection settles in his chest, "Yeah, you do."

 ~ The End ~

**Author's Note:**

> If you got to the end, I applaud you. Comments are loved. 
> 
> Author is looking into discouraging her friends from getting raging drunk in her apartment. Getting raging drunk is only so much of an excuse for writing such silliness.
> 
> If you only know RDJ through the Marvel movies, this is a mistake you should correct immediately. Chaplin, Ally McBeal, Two Girls and a Guy, Less Than Zero are all available for streaming on Netflix. Personally, I am a huge fan of his work on Gothika.
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr.](http://baffledkingcomposinghallelujah.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
